Chelsea Amore...

So i went through a super bad 4 day depression and some how over night came out of it. But i think a good part of it has to do with that in one day things went well and i saw my family my best friend and my boyfriend <3 and they are my everything!

cause of my little depression i lost 10 lbs but now i am so excited to lose more weight, i figured it out and i am going to try to lose 25lbs in 9 weeks (by my 4 year anniversary) i hope i can do it! so far 2 people said they would workout with me so i am really excited!

After seeing how my parents took care of me
and seeing how others parents took care of them
I have decided that i am going to support you and never hold you back from doing what you want. I will support you in anything you do and will help you achieve whatever goals you set for yourself.

I will love you with all my heart.
whether your a boy or a girl, i have wanted to have a child all my life. Of course though when i am older because i want to be able to do anything i can for my child, i will not hold my child back from anything that they want to do.

( i am not pregnant, just so rumors don't go around that i am. I just can't wait to one day be a mother. )

please tell me it was all worth it
that i wasn't wasting my time
tell me i wasn't lied to
and was giving false hope

i just might kill myself i am so bored

and my myspace isn't working to make it even worse

uggghhhh

have you ever woken up extremely hungry?
then walked into your kitchen and find nothing but condiments to eat?
and not have any money for food?

i have :(

i love apples<333

Have you ever had a dream ruin your day?

Last night i had a horrible dream of two people really close to me dicking me over. And weird enough they had both stayed over that night and when we woke up in the morning I didn't even want to look into their faces i totally let me dream put a crazy idea in my head, i have been so upset all day and as usually as soon as i get upset about one thing i get upset about a million and two things. I don't know why I do this but i do.

Then because i was upset i cleaned ( yeah i clean when i am upset its really weird ) so after polishing my desk and mopping the floor and dusting everything i decided to clean out my clothes so of course i am trying evertyhing on that i haven't worn in forever to get rid of doesn't fit . and as i've said before i gained a lot a weigh this past 3 years, but recently started losing it and i tried on pants from my sophmore year that i kept hoping i would fit in and haven't in 3 years at least... THEY FIT! of course i looked a lot better in them back in the day but with some more weight lost i will not only fit in them again but look good in them too!

Now you would think after something like that my mood would get better but it didn't. So i continued on cleaning like a crazy later, then one of the people imed me and wanted to hang out now i don't know why but i said yes. they said they'd be over in a little and an hour later they aren't here so i call the person up - they didn't even leave their house yet! WTF. So now i am in even worse mood and even more pissed off at the person.

I am going to take a shower and hope i feel a little bit better before the person gets here and hopefullly i won't freak out and get into a huge fight with someone tonight

I had such a good day!

woke up 4am

played on myspace for a little

then took a nap

then i got pretty <33

went to visit my lovely bf at work ( we are doing good )

then saw my mommy and siblings

then i went to my first day at my new job

went home and cleaned

saw my dad and visited my grandma

and now i am watching wizard of oz

and rachel will be coming over after!

i had such a productive day today which made me happy and i saw like EVERYONE i love!

So last night I talked with my boyfriend and i have a feeling that it might be over...again. He said a lot of mean and hurtful things, and it totally sucks. And pretty much made me feel that I am a horrible person once again. I don't really know what to do about it. But because of this conversation that first sent me into a hysterical cry, made me want to go running which I haven't done in a while and then I wrote a poem just before. Now I don't like anything I write but I used to write all the time and it was something that made me happy. And even though I haven't talked to dan and resolved anything I cleaning my room, went running and wrote. It made me feel good. Those were things I used to do all the time and enjoyed and I want to do them more often because it really helps me deal with everything in my life and both are good ways to deal with it. Especially running because if I keep that up for a while i'll definatly lose some weight. Well I am going to finish cleaning my room. And I am going to call dan tonight cause we kinda had plans for tonight but I don't know if he'll want to hang out, and if not then i'll just have more time to work out and stuff which is always a good thing.

well i've lost 7 pounds this month

but i've fucked up with work and school

at least i'm getting better looking :/

on the very up side

me and my BF are doing SOOOO GOOD! i love him <3 he is my rock! with out him i don't think i could survive!

tonight someone had to rub it into my face that all my friends are gone

it totally sucks
i am all alone and the world is scary to face by yourself at least when my friends were stil around i had someone to pick me up when i fell but now its so hard to get back up

and with being upset about one thing of course i sit there and pick apart everything about me and rip myself apart. i hate when i do it. i put myself so down and get so upset.

i am really upset though cause i've been doing such a good job improving and fixing my life and lately i've been slipping up a little and not working as hard, i am once again letting myself down.

i hate me

So yesturday was so interesting.

A lot of shit happened.

I went to my brother's cemetary and when i went to get out of my car to go over to it i couldn't find it and i broke down and was a complete mess, so i called my dad and he came down. I love chris and kate for going with me though. It meant a lot to me.

While i was waiting for my dad to get to the cemetary though i realized my little brother was not even given a chance at life, he only lived 18 days. Who knows what could have become of him. But here i am healthy, and totally fine and given a great chance of life and i've fucked up so bad in this past year or so.

Even though he lived for a very short time this child has brought so much to my attention and taught me lessons on life.

its one of those days that i pic myself apart

and completely hate myself

its bad

i am thinking horrible things. I am going to try not to act upon them though because i know that if i do it will not be good.

i had dug myself such a deep whole that is so hard to climb out of. and i am a fuck up and can never stick to anything that i want to do. Why can't i do things for myself that i know will make me happy?

I am my own worst enemy.

So i finally have a job. yay. And i love my boss.

Aj moved into my house

My best friend is broke :( i love you babe be happy!

Dan and i broke up



For some reason today i am feeling super down. Not cool. And its not cause me and dan broke up its cause i am just frusturated with some things going on in my life. Some things are out of my control and will never change, there are some things that i can change but its going to take a while but that just pisses me off because i am impatient, and some things i want to change and could change if i had some fucking will power but i don't. But i am in the process of taking care of some things.

Project one: Keep the house clean, so far so good. I've been keeping the house under pretty good control and tonight i am going to tackle my room.

Project Two: My appearence. First i am going to work on getting into shape and getting a tan. After I shed ten pounds or more and have a tan i will then make my hair black again, and then will come to the big decision on whether or not to cut my hair or just get it shaped up and stuff. We'll so how all that goes.

Project Three: Sign up for school and i am not going to say i will get A's. But i am going to attempt to pass all class and do as well as i can. ( Trying to keep my goals obtainable, and after those goals obtained then shoot higher. I like baby steps)

Project Four: Stop burping and farting all the time. And i want to start looking nice all the time. I say i am going to do this all the time. But we'll see how it works. It will be easier when i have lost weight cause then i'll fit into my old clothes that i kept.

Project Five: Be nicer to people that i don't like. And just all people in general.

Project Six: Have more confidence in myself, who i am, and what i beleive in. ( this will be easier when i am happy with how i look, a lot of my project connect with one another some how)

Project Seven: Find someone to be with. This is the last thing i'll worry about of course. And it will be easier to love someone when i can truly love myself.

Now i am very big on setting goals for myself and then not shooting for them, cause i am lazy, and think i can't do it and give up. I have to stop giving up on myself, and everyone around me. People everyday decide they want to do something and then do it, so why can't i? I know its cause i don't beleive in myself. So i need to take care of all this. And i hope i don't let myself down again cause not only do i get upset about not achieving my goals but i get upset that i don't even try to obtain them.

I hope this all works out.

Things have already started looking up in my life even with breaking up with my bf of three years so things have to start getting together.

So i am still jobless, i've been rejected twice now. WTF!

i almost got kicked out of my house which sucked but i think i have a hold on that situation.

today i am very oh so blahhhhh!

My mother is absolutely out of her mind. Last night just showed me why i moved out again, i almost had forgotten how out of her mind she is.

There is no way i am ever moving back. Especially if AJ moves in. It would be a party every night, and i know me and him would have each others backs all the time. I really hope he moves in.

So i am about to work out cause i am feeling bloated and ugly and working out makes me feel better. And i'll probably clean until i have to get ready to pretty much find out if i am going to have a job or not. I hope i get the job. I would be so happy<3 i need money. BAD. But i am 1/4 out of my debt. Which is good, and things are begining to look up..ray is here for the summer, aj might be moving in, i was loosing weight but i think when people started telling me i look good i thought it was good enough but it isn't. I really need to get a alarm clock and getting up at a decent hour.

I am a mess!

and i am all talk.

actions speak louder then words...i say that to people all the time but yet i can't seem to follow that rule myself.

I suck.